Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details.How the low-carb craze turned me into a Thanksgiving thief by J. G. Fabiano For most of my life the holidays represented a time for friends, family and great food. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite because I don’t have to go to a mall and buy things that I know will be returned soon after the wrapping paper has been torn off. All I have to do is show up and eat. However, in today’s world of low fat and low carb, I am sad to report that this tradition has been broken.My wife tried to console me by stating there were many great-tasting low-carb foods that can replace the traditional tasty foods of the Thanksgiving feast. She also reminded me how much better I felt now that my sugar levels were under control and my weight dropped from that of a small elephant to a that of a medium-sized gazelle: By the way, I have no clue as to what a gazelle is. She also warned me if I did cheat during the Thanksgiving feed that was about to begin, it would take up to five days for the hunger pangs and resulting mood swings to go away. I tried to tell her it would take a lifetime to miss the bulging stomachs of Thanksgivings gone by but, as usual, she ignored me. My wife being the wonderful woman she is, and because she realizes I have absolutely no will power when it comes to great tasting foods and drink, gave me a couple of strategies to get me through the holiday season. Before we go over to the Thanksgiving feast at the home of my niece, who happens to own the largest house of the family, my wife told me to eat two high-protein, low-carb bars and drink plenty of water. My wife said the protein bars would make me feel full and the water would wash away the toxins in my body. Remembering what high-protein, low-carb bars tasted like I asked why I had to put the toxins in my body in the first place. My wife has the best cold stare in the Universe so as soon as I got the feeling back in my face I went over to the pantry and pulled out a high-protein, low-carb bar. I really don’t believe this is food because it doesn’t taste like any food I have ever tasted before. It has the consistency of dirt and a covering of disgustingly-sweet frosting to mask the taste of the bar itself. The water was easy to drink because, after forcing one of these dirt bars down my throat, the choice was to either drink the water or have the bar suck up any moisture that might have been in my mouth and throat. When we arrived at my niece’s house my wife told me I could nibble on all of the yummy foods I could find. She told me to eat as much turkey and ham I wanted, less the gravy. Dry turkey and ham are not my favorite foods unless they are between two slices of white bread and soaked in mayonnaise. She told me to focus on the vegetables and salad and to fill my face with nuts and cheeses in order to stay away from the real food that was displayed on most of the tables in the house. The problem is that the hot stuffing and rolls were always placed next to the vegetables and cheeses. The vegetables and cheeses did not have any scent to entice one into stuffing them in one’s mouth. However, the buns were steaming hot and loaded with butter, and the stuffing had the aroma of the Gods tempting me into sneaking a small amount, which would then lead me into eating the whole bowl. The many casseroles were the biggest threat to my waistline. How could one not want to shovel in all these flour-based cream sauces covering everything from green beans to pieces of lobster and shrimp? I felt a tear come to my eyes when I reached over a butternut squash casserole in order to grab a handful of dried nuts. I felt my pinky finger slip away from my fist and accidentally drop into the casserole. Since there were no napkins to be seen I was forced to lick off the tastiest cream-filled food which I used to eat en masse not so very long ago. Of course, my wife’s contribution to the feast was totally carb-free. She brought a yummy cauliflower and squash dish that was made with heavy cream and ‘Splenda’ sweetener. This sugar substitute did taste like sugar but it had one problem, at least for me. It came out of me as fast as I put it in. It also took everything else out of me with it. I found this out one night when I ate an entire half-gallon of ice cream with low-carb chocolate sauce and, literally, had to run to the bathroom. My wife and I are not the only people on this low-carb diet. It has spread through my family as fast as the Evangelistic Christian Right took over the Republican Party. Some of the dishes these dietary evangelists brought were shrimp-stuffed eggs that added a whiff of methane to the mix; cranberry walnut relish that was actually very good but the only thing I could put it on was cheese, pumpkin-nut bake that tasted scarier than it looked, and a spinach cheese-bake that promised to accelerate the effects of any ‘Splenda’ I ate. The dishes did not stop there. There was eggnog that truly tasted like raw eggs, a pumpkin-based casserole that promised to taste like scalloped potatoes, which it did not, and a sausage stuffing made from low-carb bread. A pecan pie was also brought to the feast made with pecans, butter, and of course the now infamous sweetener. This was actually my favorite and worth the pain and suffering I knew I would experience soon after ingestion.Since I was going into a visible state of depression my wife came over to me as I sat in a chair in the corner of the room. I was actually facing the wall the way a kid would when he had done something bad. She reminded me of the math of our new and forever diet. She told me a piece of my sister-in-law’s pumpkin pie, which was 1/8 of a 9-inch pie, was 36 net carbs. If I wanted to enjoy this remarkable desert I would have to take 12 bites of it at three grams each. She went on to explain that one dinner roll was 13 grams of carbohydrates with a half cup of stuffing having as much as 18 grams of net carbohydrates. At this point I didn’t care because all I wanted to do was push my face into the bowl of stuffing and inhale as much as I could. Seeing the expression on my face my wife reminded me that there were other things one could do at a Thanksgiving feast besides gorging one’s self with food. She told me that the company of friends and family was the primary reason for the Thanksgiving holiday. She reminded me to give thanks for our good health and energy. Most importantly she reminded me of all the people who commented on how great I looked now that I lost the extra weight. I agreed with her and went back into the dining room to join my family. As I passed the dinner table I slipped a hot bun into my jacket pocket figuring what my wife couldn’t see couldn’t possibly hurt me! The End.
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