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The Red Beacon Testimony by Nag Ramasubramani If you are a keen observer of the media like me, I am sure you have noticed the Red Beacon dieting systems advertisement. And, like me, if you have ordered one of their products, I am sure you would not have missed the testimonials from their customers. One among them has caused me untold grief and embarrassment among my near and dear ones. While my friends have gone off in a huff accusing me of treachery and double-dealing, I believe that it is far from the truth and that is why you, dear reader, have to listen to my side of the story. So kick off your shoes and curl up on that sofa, while I take you on this curious journey leading up to the Red Beacon Testimony. It all began on a lazy Sunday afternoon, with my wife prodding me in the region of my ribs, then adding the remark that I would soon be eligible to participate in sumo wrestling. For those of you who do not know, my wife was - and still is - built like a slender beam of moonlight. I definitely tilt the scales in favor of the well-endowed, but her remark hit home. Stung to the quick, I plunged into action and it was while I was scanning the twelfth issue of Health and Beauty that the said advertisement caught my eye. It ran as follows: Eat without getting fat! Eat all you want without getting fat. The Red Beacon dieting system allows you to do just that.This revolutionary new system works by placing psychological red signals in your mind. No need to starve. All you need to do is spend 15 minutes for 15 days. Write today to:-. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
I pondered over the ad as I munched thoughtfully on a cheese sandwich. Something in it appealed to the intellectual in me. Another case of mind over matter, I thought as I polished off the sandwich. Dispatching the check to the Red Beacon Company, I settled down on the sofa with a pack of salted peanuts and a murder mystery. It arrived a week later: a small square box with the symbol of a red beacon on the top with the words; "The slender world of Red Beacon", beneath it. Inside was a brochure with all the testimonials; an instruction manual, an audiocassette and a number of charts titled; sweets, snacks, ice creams, and chocolates. Impressed with this thoroughly professional approach to dieting, I read the instruction manual." Welcome to Red Beacon dieting systems", it said "This revolutionary system works on the principle of mind control. There is absolutely no limit on what you can eat. By following the simple steps outlined in the enclosed audiocassette, not only will you be able to keep off fattening foods but, in addition, you will actually be able to lose weight. Will you invest 15 minutes to a more slender you? Happy slimming!" Following the instructions carefully, I wrote down five of my most favorite dishes as below: 1. Kheer; 2. Jamoon; 3. Ice cream; 4. Chocolate; 5. Cake. I then prepared five different charts for each of them, with details of current consumption and how much I loved them. I took careful measurements of my chest, stomach, arms and thighs and recorded them in the chart titled "Before". I bought a liter of kheer as suggested in the manual and I was now ready for the revolutionary new program! I filled a large bowl with kheer, inserted the cassette into a player and was ready to roll. My instructor began very confidently. " The battle against fat, is in the mind. No wonder all the dieting methods, which rely on starving, don't work. We will change all that, for together, we will put red signals that your mind recognizes, and thus control your eating habits. We begin today with exercise 1. Take a look at the bowl full of your favorite dish." I took a long and loving look at that alluring bowl of Kheer. " Let your eyes caress that." No problem there. "Now close your eyes and smell that." I filled my lungs with the delicious aroma of kheer. "Now take a deep breath." I did and before I realized what was happening, hot kheer had traveled up my nostrils and down my nasal passage. I broke into a frenzied bout of sneezing! The commotion brought my wife into the room. She looked at me aghast, opened her mouth to say something and, shaking her head, went out. The next day we started on what the manual called 'conditioning through over-indulgence'. In the space of half an hour, the manual told me, I was to eat all I could of my favorite dish - and then some more. I was really beginning to fall in love with this system! I walked up to the refrigerator, pulled out the large vessel with kheer and the thirty-odd cups in the kitchen - the manual was very clear that the same bowl should not be used twice - and set to work in earnest. It was hard work, but not for a spirited man with a vision. I had just vanquished the twenty-sixth cup when my mother shuffled in. "Disgusting," she said, by way of introduction. "You have eaten all that kheer?" That was not entirely true, for there was still some kheer in the vessel. I pointed this out to her, for like Buddha and Gandhi, I did not like people tampering with the truth. She carried on nevertheless. "You are incorrigible, can't you control your mind?" Finally I saw we were about to agree on something and beaming at her said. " It is all in the mind, mother." Looking at the vast array of empty cups in front of me, and my now-bloated belly, she said. "I have a good idea where it is, and it shows." Having delivered her verdict, she withdrew. Day Three, and we were at a critical point in our program. "Today," said the instructor, "we will place the first red beacon in your mind." I was excited. This exercise was simplicity itself. I had to hold up a large bowl of kheer in front of me and, closing my eyes, I had to repeat thrice: "Go away, you evil temptress, I hate you", getting progressively louder with each try. I held up the bowl in my hand and after giving it a loving glance, I closed my eyes and filled my mind with the taste of kheer, the aroma, and the feel! I was almost ready to give in and empty that bowl but men with a mission do not give into temptations! No, I told myself, this is the time to fight and, mustering all my will-power, I began in a gentle whisper. "Go away you evil temptress, I hate you!" I felt a tug on my shirt-sleeves. No doubt my mind was playing a trick, to break my concentration. I increased my audio level and chanted. "Go away you evil temptress, I hate you!" I could hear some labored breathing next to me, but I was not going to give up. Third time now, I chanted with gusto. "Go away you evil temptress, I HATE YOU!" What happened after that is a little difficult to describe. "You lout, you monkey, you constipated cretin." I heard my wife scream and felt the bowl plucked out of my hand and flung at me. I opened my eyes and saw my wife standing there, like Kali, the goddess of destruction. "Tempt you? I will rather tempt an African mammoth with halitosis", she declared, as she sent a fresh stream of missiles, consisting of: two pillows, four books, a table lamp, a flower vase and a Walkman in that order. I grabbed the first pillow and, holding it up as a kind of shield, managed to evade the other missiles. I stayed like that for a while, the pillow shielding me from the cruel world, which seemed bent on ruining my dieting campaign. Every corner seemed filled with wives, mothers and mothers-in-law having strong opinions on what I should be doing and I would have remained like that, except that something told me that I had company. Maybe it was my sensitive nature, maybe it was the effect of having a constant stream of people interrupting my efforts but I just knew there was someone there with me. Call it man's intuition, if you want. I gingerly lowered the pillow and was rewarded with the sight of my niece. "Bad strategy", she declared, looking at me. I managed to eke out a confused "Eh?" before she continued. "Never hide behind a pillow from your enemy, I always maintain. A half-closed door, a good wall unit or even large-sized wooden box but never a pillow." I muttered something about wall units when her eyes fell on the large wall unit in the room. "There, that is where we will hide you", she continued, advancing towards me with anticipation. I told her that the only person I wanted to hide from, was in the room with me, and would she please leave me alone. She looked longingly at the wall unit and said in a charming voice. " You are sure you wouldn't..." I did not let her complete and told her to make herself scarce. I can really be firm when I want to, you know! After an eventful fortnight, I was ready for graduation, or so the brochure assured me. Sure enough I was willing to strike off kheer from the list of my all-time favorites: for in this fortnight, I had touched, felt, fed on kheer in all its avatars. I had experimented with rice kheer, mango kheer, moong kheer, badam kheer and kesar kheer. I had imagined, visualized, dreamt and fantasized about kheer and, it appeared to me, I was ready to liberate myself from the attraction of kheer. I opened the letter which arrived that morning, from the Red Beacon Co, It read: 'Dear friend, I am sure you have won your war with Kheer. I am also sure, that magnetic pull, which you felt towards kheer, has been broken. I applaud your perseverance!' I felt a warm glow. I had done it! Gloating, I took a deep breath. As my mind filled with justifiable pride, the buttons on my shirt snapped, unable to bear the strain. I went back to the letter hastily. ' Not only have you won a war but you have a now a powerful new tool at your disposal - the Red Beacon Dieting System! Using this powerful system - whose liberating effect, you have already felt - you can now get rid off all those fattening foods one-by-one and remember, no starving.' I did not read the rest of the letter, as reality struck home. Did it say one-by-one? One-by-one! Well, I will be damned! The part of my mind, which was not yet numb with shock, was doing some rapid calculations. If I were to conquer all the sweets, snacks and other items one-by-one, I would have to spend the next five years placing red beacons in my mind! When I came to my senses, I was in a hospital, with my wife looking at me with a relieved smile. I discovered, with a little bit of probing, that I had been unwell for sometime, on my way to good health and would soon be discharged. The mysterious illness - throughout which my wife assures me that I was muttering the words 'red beacon' - managed to do what all my dieting could not do. I returned home, not exactly frail, but reasonably slender - I hoped. I was proved right shortly afterwards, for that was when the Red Beacon Company approached me with a lucrative contract, to appear in their promo. I pondered over the offer and felt that if I could benefit from Red Beacon in some way, why let it go. In a sense, the guys at the Red Beacon owed me one, if you know what I mean! So I picked up pen and paper and wrote down:"When I got the Red Beacon system, I was not convinced. But I must say, I have benefited a great deal now." Little did I know that it would induce my friends and relatives to patronize the Red Beacon with rather disastrous consequences. Well, they could have at least checked with me, won't you say? Tell me, am I such a sinner as they make me out to be? I leave the verdict in your hands! The End
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