March – 2013 – TALESetc.

Elad, wake up. It’s time!”

That was the first thing I heard that night! It was the night of my first-born’s birth. I remember waking from the haze and thinking ‘Time for what?’

It took a couple of minutes for the cobwebs to clear, but after they did, all manner of panic and excitement ensued. I can remember rushing around getting all of the bags together that were already prepared. I can remember that even with all of the preparation, nothing was prepared. I was in a state of panic and nothing could prepare you for the reality of childbirth. Here was Elad, the most irresponsible man in the world about to enter parenthood.

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“Growing old ain’t for sissies” is one of my favorite quotes by actress Bette Davis.

For the first five decades of my life I had little concern about my age or medical condition. I believed it foolish to worry about something I had little control over.

I rarely went to a doctor because I figured if I ain’t broke, don’t try to fix me. However, now in my later years, I am beginning to understand where age is taking me. I have now become part of the world of doctors. These doctors are not only medical. They include dentists, physical therapists, specialists and others who I don’t have a clue as to what they do. The parade started when my wife reminded me it was time to get a full physical because of my age. Like most wives, she told me she just wanted to make sure we had enough life insurance on me.

I have an English doctor who is very businesslike. I prefer this because, if I was interested in pleasant conversation, I would visit my mother and father in New Hampshire. He asked many questions about my lifestyle, to which I lied, and then he sent his nurse in to take some basic measurements like height, weight, and blood pressure. I didn’t mind this because I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to hurt and I figured my diet of the past eight months had put my weight well within range of where it was supposed to be.

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One of the best parts about living in an area that gets inundated with vacationers is that one can observe the many different types of people that inhabit other parts of the world.

I used to think the best place to observe was on the beaches of Maine, then the other day I was asked to do a book signing for my new book: “Laugh It Off”. At first I thought the concept of a book-signing in the middle of a grocery store was a bit odd but after a few hours watching people go by I realized I had discovered one of the best places to “people peep”. The store manager of Hannaford’s Food & Drug Store in York set me up right in front of the cashiers so that I would get full exposure.

Sitting and watching, I found myself wondering if it really was possible to judge a book by its cover i.e. if people were the same on the inside as they looked on the outside. One of the first people I observed was a woman wearing tight leopard skin pants with black, high-heeled stiletto shoes. She had on a fluffy pink blouse the color of which matched her lipstick, and she needed a lot of lipstick because she had more lips than face!

I wondered if I had misjudged her and she was really a book-lover when she teetered over to the table where I was sitting. Then she asked me if I would get her a carton of Marlboro Lites. I was set up in front of the tobacco display and she thought I was in charge of selling cigarettes. I only wish I could get as much for each book as you can get for a carton of cigarettes!

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I now hate the color yellow! It started innocently enough when I decided that, as a struggling artist, I could save myself some money by painting the dump boxes that would go into stores to display my first book – which if you hadn’t heard is called ‘Laugh It Off’.

It is the funniest book in the history of the world, if I do say so myself. Because dump boxes are nearly impossible to come by my neighbor helped me out by knocking together a half-dozen out of particle board, and all that remained for me to do was to paint them. The decision about what color the dump boxes should be was made for me.

Because the cover of the book is yellow, like the beach sand where I spend most of my summer days, it seemed obvious that the dump boxes should be yellow too. So, off I drove to my favorite True Value Hardware Store and rushed in before they had a chance to lock the doors. Not that they have ever done that to me before, but I think they may have tried.

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For the past three decades, I have found that the best way to lose the weight gained from our Thanksgiving banquets is to decorate our home for the upcoming Christmas season. This may sound a bit odd, but in the past I have found that finding, digging out, and hanging the things that define this holiday has a tendency to work off the added bulk. The weekend after Thanksgiving has always been a tradition in our family. Friday is meant to shop, usually starting at 5:00 in the morning. I have never been part of this tradition because my Debbie clearly understands that I would rather chew off my right arm than be found at Macy’s, or Filene’s, before the sun rises. This particular task has been relegated to the females of our family.

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March 2013

Raising Baby. A true story about the birth of my first-born daughter.

The full-time job of growing old.

When the tastiest moment at the supermarket is a slice of life.

Did Hemingway have to paint his own dump boxes?

Decorations define our holidays.