ll I could do was stand in front of them, hopping on one foot with both of my arms extended in the air. The arguments against my male habits were coming hard and heavy, with me being outnumbered four to one. The only way I could think of, to stop the barrage, was to make the sign of a “Y” and state that it had nothing to do with me.
It had everything to do with my lack of a second X chromosome. My niece Kelly just looked at me in disbelief, and then looked at my Debbie, and stated, matter-of-factly, that I had just entered “Jim’s World”. This all happened at the end of the discussion that I was ambushed into becoming a part of. Let me go back to the innocence of the beginning.
I have to admit that my Debbie hasn’t been too thrilled with me, for the last couple of days.A few nights earlier we went to the Ogunquit Playhouse and enjoyed a funny musical.Everything was going well until the intermission when she told me that she was going up to the ladies room, and that we would meet in the lobby. I said ok and started to follow her up the aisle.
or a woman of her age, which is remarkably young, she flew up the aisle at lightning speed. She out-manoeuvred everyone in the audience, because she knew that a line at the ladies room would be waiting. I am convinced that if anyone invents a female urinal he, or she, would top Bill Gates as being the richest person in the country.
I, on the other hand, was not that quick. Within seconds, the aisle was filled with very elderly and slow-moving people. There was even a couple of walkers blocking my way, as I watched my wife reach the lobby before I even made it out of my row of seats. Not wanting to knock down older people I decided to stay behind. In fact, I saw some friends at the front of the theater and decided to talk with them, instead of waiting for my wife at the lobby. A stupider move could not have been made: at least that is what my Debbie told me!
She told me, a few minutes later, that she had been wandering around the theater looking for me. She stated that she felt foolish and that I should be more considerate. I did not have a clue as to why she was upset with me. My Y-chromosome must have kicked in. The second act of the play was funny and loosened things up between us. At the end of the show we decided to leave for the exit as quickly as possible, because we did not want to be caught up in the expected heavy traffic.
ight before we left the exit, a colleague from school stopped me and asked how my summer was going. We talked for a few minutes and then I left the theater. Mistake number two of the evening had occurred and the battle lines were drawn! You see I forgot that my wife had left the theater and was waiting for me alone, outside. The Y-chromosome was beginning to engulf my evening.
Well, it was now a few days later and we were visiting another niece and her husband. Kelly appeared with her girl-friend and I soon found out that she had just had a fight with her husband, because he was being remarkably inconsiderate. My brother-in-law left the room with remarkable agility. I, on the other hand, was not so fortunate and was forced to hear what had happened to the once-happy couple. It was as if I became the center of the universe. All conversation was directed to me and I became the great defender of my sex. I handled it in the safest way I knew how: I kept my mouth shut, or at least tried to!
My niece explained that her husband was supposed to take her out for dinner that night but his father showed up, again, an hour before they were to go out. They then decided to have a few beers together, down the road. Kelly said fine but reminded him to be home by 5:00. Needless to say, the time passed 6:00. Her husband did call, and told her that he still wanted to go out to dinner, he would finish his beer and be home in a couple of minutes. Needless to say, the time passed 7:00. When he did finally arrive home, war erupted and, as Kelly put it, he couldn’t understand why she was so angry. She said very simply that: “He went into Tom’s World.”
uring the entire time that my niece was telling us the story, I tried to disappear. Hell, I wanted to evaporate! Also everyone’s eyes were planted on me, wondering if I would agree with how badly my niece was treated, by her husband. The moment finally arrived and I was asked what I thought. I went into “Jim’s World” and told her that it was difficult not to do what one’s father wanted, and it really wasn’t his fault.
I thought the temperature in the room dropped about 30 degrees and it actually started to become dark. I also think the four women, in front of me, started to slide toward me without moving their feet. The color of their skin started to turn a yellowish-green and I swear their teeth and nails started to grow. I was afraid!
I then did what I knew I had to do. I jumped up on one foot and raised my hands into the air in order to make a “Y”. I didn’t have to do another thing, for everyone in the room knew that there was no hope but, they still made me stay in the room and hear my Debbie talk about the happenings of the other night, and how, “they are all alike.”
here are some benefits to having a “Y” chromosome, instead of a second “X”, we don’t have to give birth and I know for a fact that I could never survive being waxed, or having to worry about what I wore everyday. What a wonderful excuse for dropping into stupidity, every now and then!
The next day my wife came home from work, and asked if I was ready. I answered by asking her what I was supposed to be ready for.
It was obvious that, once again, my genetic make-up took over any chance that I had, of peacefully surviving another day!
The attack of the Y-Chromosome
by J. G. Fabiano
Jim Fabiano is a teacher and a writer living in York, Maine, USA
e-mail him at: firstname.lastname@example.org