n hindsight, it was a day like no other. It started off innocent enough: I was late for work. Waking up has always been a problem for me. Falling asleep was always a breeze. I once fell asleep standing up and at attention in an Army formation.
I was out all night drinking… errr taking orphaned children to the rescue mission in Germany. After performing my Super Hero duties all night long, I returned to my Army base just in time to catch the morning inspection.
“Watson!! What are you doing? You don’t fall asleep in my formation! ” The Sergeant screamed!
“Yes! Sarg. I can explain that.” I offered.
“I don’t want your pathetic excuses. You sleep on your time, not Army Time!” He replied. I knew from that point on, this day would not be an easy one to get through.
“Take these papers downtown and drop them off at our offices there. Report back to me when you return.” He spouted.
Sergeants are often like that: Caring and understanding. I could tell that from his demeanor he knew I had been out all night drinking, and was going to make my life a living hell. This wasn’t far from the truth, as you will soon learn. I requisitioned an Army Jeep and left the base with the important papers.
I remember opening them and reading every word, as was so often the custom by all U. S. Army personnel with Top Secret Papers. They were all about a dozen or so secret spies, trapped deep in Eastern China and needing immediate help, so I stopped off at StarBucks for some coffee. I read better with a triple shot of Expresso in me.
After I had my morning buzz, I figured I had better get these papers to HQ (Headquarters), before these spies were captured and forced to eat Ravioli out of a can for weeks. I left the shop and was just about halfway across the street, when I heard a strange sound like a screech. Suddenly everything went black and I saw a light appear.
It was way off in the distance but the light was really bright. Now I remembered from horror movies that they always tell you not to go towards a light. So, and even though it looked peaceful, I turned around and walked the other way. There was a light that way too but it was of a dull red color.
No one ever said anything about that, so I thought it must be safe and walked towards it. About half way there, Dolphins appeared beside me and nudged me with their noses in the opposite direction. I wasn’t going in that light however, and maintained my course. They became more persistent, even to the point of being a pest, and so I hit one on his long snout.
He rubbed it and they all turned around and swam into the bright light behind me. I hate pests, especially wet ones. As I walked, an open door appeared and soon enough, I reached it. Nothing was visible inside but the light emanating from it, was a deep red color and no noise was apparent. I poked my nose inside, and suddenly as if someone switched on the volume switch, I heard lots of screams and wailing. I pulled my head back and the noise stopped.
“Ah, a party,” I surmised. Far be it from me to miss a party, and after that deep thought I stepped through the door. Immediately the room became a bright red glow and people were scurrying hither back and forth in front of me. Screams and all manner of wails could be distinguished off in the distance. I grabbed one of the passersby and stopped him.
“Where’s the party?” I asked.
“Oh, are you new here? No one expected you but you need to get in that line over there.” He snickered as he turned walking off.
I entered the line, which seemed to go on forever, but it was moving rather quickly. In a manner of minutes, I was near the front and a scary looking guy in a costume was taking admission. I removed my wallet and when it was my turn tossed a twenty-dollar bill on the desk like a big spender. The guy looked at me and started laughing. He looked over at one of his buddies and remarked: “I’ve never had someone try to buy his way into hell.” I was slightly amused and felt a bit uneasy at the same time.
“What’s your name. I don’t see your name here trooper.” He remarked. I was in my uniform.
“Uhhh, It’s Private Watson. If you could be so kind as to direct me to the bar, I’d be very grateful,” I responded.
“Bar? There’s no bar here. This is hell,” he replied. “Let’s see! Watson, Watson, Watson. You’re not in my books, but I’ll take what I can get. Take him to the pit.”
“Pit?” I asked. I don’t think I like the sound of that. I think I’ll be on my way, if you please.” I added and with that turned towards the door I had entered. It was obvious I had entered some type of cult party and it had me feeling uneasy. Suddenly a boney looking hand, all bones, reached over my shoulder from behind. It caught me off guard and I spun around, pulled my Colt .45 from its holster and fired three of its nine rounds, hitting that rather rude guy right between the eyes.
He fell over his desk dead. Thud! The room got really quiet and all eyes were on me.
“He shot Satan!” one of them remarked rather excitedly. “Boy, is he going to be pissed.”
I moved the gun around the room pointing it at everyone and fending off any of his buddies that might have ideas. About that time, the costumed guy raised his head again and with three bullet holes in a close pattern right between his eyes. I was beginning to realize I might have taken a wrong turn somewhere. I fired three more rounds, and I remember thinking to myself ‘the nerve of some people.’
Thud! He fell over again.
“He shot Satan again” The same guy yelled.
I was tired of hearing that guy, so I shot him too. He fell over. Thud! I am normally not so violent but I was very outnumbered and sometimes its better to just act and figure out what went wrong later. Besides, I was leaving. I was just about to the door too, when the light in the room got a really bright orange, and I heard a thunderous roar behind me. I turned and the guy was up and running with six bullet holes right between the eyes and he was running towards me. I fired the remaining two rounds into his torso, slapped in a new clip and walked up to his prone body.
“So you guys think this whimp is Satan?” I asked. The crowd backed up a bit. I pointed the gun barrel to the back of his head and fired the entire nine round clip execution style into the back of his head. It opened-up like a melon. Who ever this stiff was and even if he came back, he’d have a hard time finding me with no head. I reloaded the Colt and pulled out its sister. There was probably about 60 people in that room minus the two I had just killed. I pointed the pair of .45’s out into the crowd and they backed up a bit more.
“Let’s dance!” I remarked as I began firing indiscriminately into the crowd.
Well, the crowd dispersed and began retreating into different doors, at least the ones the Twins didn’t get. After a few minutes the room cleared and I was alone. It was very smoky there and while I was reloading new clips into the Twins, I could hear a noise. A minute later the smoke cleared and I could see a headless hulk stumbling around the room.
He had no direction and just felt his way around the room. I almost felt sorry for him. I moved towards the large highboy desk he had been sitting at and relaxed in his old chair. It felt comfortable almost made for me. I placed the twins down on the desk before me still smoking and about that time, someone poked their head into the room.
“What are you doing,” he asked
I picked up the Twins, spun them in my hands and when they stopped spinning and facing forward, put two rounds into that guys head.
“There’s a new Sheriff in town, boys!” I replied feeling comfortable.
Now some of you might be saying… Yeah right! Like I am going to believe that!
Think about it late at night someday. (He spins the Twins in his hands and drops them in his holster.)
Copyrights reserved by the author Elad Nostaw.