here are good days and then, of course, there are Bad Days. Now I am not overly prone to bad days but I do feel personally that my bad days are the worst. So, before you say anything, let me tell you how bad my bad days are. (Loosens his collar Rodney-Dangerfield style).
I can tell you I get no respect around here! So listen up and you will be able to go about your wonderful life miserably happy. It all started with the alarm clock; which is to say, was flashing 12 o’clock when I woke up. You know what that means, your already one minute late for work because someone at The Electric Company fell asleep at the controls, and sent power surges thru your electric lines.
My toaster oven was dancing Disco, while the radio in the other room played the blues. It was playing the blues for me, meaning I needed an excuse for the second time this week. My boss loves excuses; especially mine. He posts them on his office door as “Excuse of the Day.” It has cute little violins embossed on the paper. Anyway, I was late, and the day before, to make matters worse, I had an accident in my car and it was in the shop still. (To the guy I hit! A car flashing its lights does not mean I want you to immediately stop. It means move over!).
So that meant I had to take the bus. I got ready in record time. My hair was still standing on end as I left the house, but that was normal. If any of you have seen me wake up in the morning, you can agree. It has that “Wind-blown back” effect from rushing around. Anyway, I arrived at the bus stop just in time to — wave ‘bye to my bus. I chased it a block but the silly driver kept saying “No solicitations” with a foreign accent, so it was about a half-hour until the next bus. As I waited, all manner of excuses popped into my head. As I thought, I surveyed the situation. Then I noticed him. Across the street I saw a cow.
Now if you guys have read any of my other stories, you will know I have a fondness in my heart for cows. As a matter of fact, I think the faster we eat them, the better off we are. They smell bad (except on buns), they pollute the ozone, and they are lazy. (Ever seen a cow that does anything? Think about it!) This particular cow was rather annoying. He just kept chewing his cud and watching me from the pasture across the street. I could almost hear the laughter he was holding inside, as a result of my plight today. I am sure he must have thought it quite funny. Yes! Quite funny indeed! Ha! Mr. Cow!
Well, I did not have time for cow shenanigans today, so I tried ignoring him. I looked at the other end of the pasture. A few minutes went by and he casually walked into my view again. No doubt on purpose. I could tell he wanted to play but I did not have my barbecue pit readily available, so I turned back to the East end of the pasture. A lull in time occurred, and after a few minutes went by; here came that damn cow again. Only this time he was mocking me. He walked backwards in my view. I thought he did the worst Michael Jackson impression I had ever seen but I chose to ignore him again. I never let cows get the best of me. They own your ass then. It was getting hard to ignore the cow because he kept walking back and forth, swishing his tail.
That means HE thinks HE is getting the best of you. Imagine that! A mere cow getting the best of Elad Nostaw! Never happens. I fixed him! I closed my eyes. I peeked once in a while and he was moving around a lot, trying to figure out how he could get my attention. Then I saw him turn with his back to me. His tail rose in the air and motioned me towards him. That Damn Cow knew I was peeking, so I decided to close my eyes and not peek at all. I did this and after a few minutes, I fell asleep leaning against the telephone pole.
Now I am not sure how much time went by but a disturbing feeling suddenly awakened me from my peaceful slumber. When I opened my eyes I was prone on the ground, looking up at a cow that appeared to be smiling. Yes, that’s right! The cow had “Tipped me” and was smiling about it!!! Elad, the first man ever Tipped by a cow. Oh, this was a really bad day for me! I chased him off as a resul, and later that week served him up off my barbecue pit. I’ll bet he won’t be telling his tale to anyone, unless cows go to heaven. Naaaaaa! God wouldn’t be that cruel to Elad. As for work? Well, my Tipped-man excuse worked rather well.
The owner liked it so much that it has stayed on his door three months now, with no hope of it ever being surpassed but in all fairness, he doesn’t know Elad very well, does he?
Copyrights reserved by the author, Elad Nostaw.