Aas a life-long friend, please allow me to shed a little light. The TaleWagger is a complex character, who has used many aliases in his chequered career. He was originally called Tom Tom,(his father, a piper had a stutter) and he lived with his widowed mother, brothers and sisters in a shoe-shaped dwelling.

He and his brothers argued so much with one of the sisters, who was called Mary and was quite contrary, that his mother had difficulty coping. Partly due to this, a neighbour once said: “She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do!”  His brother Jack climbed a beanstalk one day and was never seen again.

This giant tragedy made the Talewagger decide that he too should leave home. With his cat dressed in boots and now calling himself ‘Dick’, he left to start a new life. They walked along a yellow-brick road, to a big city with shiny, golden pavements and there Dick was offered an important job with the council.

However, following a chance meeting with a man, (who had a black patch over one eye, only one leg and a parrot on his shoulder), he decided to work, as a cabin-boy, with his holiday company, L. J. Silver (Cruise Lines) Plc. It successfully operated in the Caribbean Sea, for many a long year, me ‘earty!

While still in his late teens, the Talewagger chose to seek his fortune ashore and jumped-ship one night.  He sailed off in a tub, with an owl and his pussycat. The following Friday he was washed ashore on Crusoe Island where he was taken to a large, towered hospital to recover. There he saw a young girl lying in a coma and, captivated by her beauty, he kissed her on the cheek.

Surprisingly, she awoke and turned out to be a princess! They fell in love and he was whisked off to the nearby palace, to become a charming prince. Sadly, on his stag night, tragedy struck! As the clock chimed midnight, he was accused of breaking into a pumpkin and stealing some tarts. The Queen, who had earlier baked the tarts, was not amused and had an iron mask placed over his head. He was then cast into the dungeons to rot.

However, on appeal, a pied piper, who was out walking his rats at the time of the tart theft had actually seen the Talewagger put in his thumb and pull out a plum, and he was released. As compensation he was created a Duke and put in charge of the Army. What followed was a short but successful career of  marching his men to the top of the hill, then marching then down again.

Later, he left to join the police force. There he solved many famous cases. Firstly he caught the notorious Cock-Robin killer and then discovered who put pussy in the well. He then arrested a serial thief who was responsible for eating the food and vandalising the home of a family of bears.

Once all crimes were solved, he left and, with his redundancy money, bought a farm, the postcode was EI EI0.  There he met and married a local girl who always sat on a tuffet to eat her curds and rye. The marriage broke up due to a  scandal caused by one of his cows jumping over the moon and his fork running away with the spoon.

 Broken-hearted, he decided to take early retirement and now lives in a forest, with a Granny, renowned for her big eyes, and spends most of his time, in his counting house, counting all his money.

All in all, he is now an anonymous sort of English gentleman!